Oscarbatory Exercise

3:30 Live-tweeting the Oscars, because clearly you need to know what a cultural commentator such as myself is thinking every second of the day.

3:35 Oh lord, Cameron & wife showed wearing Na’vi blue. Of course they did.

3:38 Maggie Gyllenhaal and Tina Fey look freaking fabulous. No surprise there either.

3:39 Yes, E! guy: “No-brainer” totally is obscure industry lingo.

3:43 I do enjoy Elizabeth Banks — I find the gray a little, well, gray, but it’s working for her.

3:47 Sigourney Weaver — love the red and you look amazing, but watch out for that BeDazzled alien on your neck. (“BeDazzled alien” description courtesy of the wife.)

3:55 Funny that ABC is making such a big deal about following @OnTheRedCarpet when it hasn’t updated for an hour.

3:57 Wife says of Sandra Bullock: “She looks as if that dress was poured around her.” It really is amazingly elegant.

4:01 I just blurted out “ohmygosh!” as soon as I saw Penelope Cruz in that dress.

4:03 I am so not a dude when it comes to the Oscars.

4:05 Rachel McAdams also wearing gray. Also super flattering, but not helping my crippling inability to tell Hollywood blondes apart.

4:13 Hey, there’s that guy who’s A-list now but I still have no idea who he is. Oh yeah, Ryan Reynolds.

4:14 I’m down with SJP, but I have to say, I hate everything she’s ever worn.

4:15 But of course, the fashionistas fall all over themselves to praise everything she wears. And it’s just hideous, all of it.

4:16 She’s plugging her genealogy show, which you’ll like if you’re interested in random people’s family trees, whether they work in Hollywood or BevMo.

4:20 What on earth is Charlize Theron wearing? It’s very burlesque somehow.

4:22 Carey Mulligan, on the other hand, makes a fashion risk work for her. Forks & scissors all over the dress? Sure, why the heck not?

4:25 Kathryn Bigelow looks terrific — didn’t realize she was so tall! Gray really seems to be the Oscar color tonight.

4:27 Wow, Vera Farmiga is elegant as all get out. That is a whole lotta dress.

4:28 You know who else looks amazing? Gabourey Sidibe. Loving that blue on her.

4:30 Samuel L. Jackson is one swanky MF. The matching beret is a nice touch.

4:34 Now to the pinks: Queen Latifah is a freaking fashion goddess. J.Lo’s looks like a scoop of strawberry soft serve, in a good way.

4: 37 I’m finding the red carpet interviewers a little less cringeworthy than usual somehow.

4:40 Sidibe is OWNING that dress. “If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot,” she says. Love her.

4:42 “Why can’t he be alone?” E! fashion commentary gal about Clooney & his date. AWK-ward…

4:43 Speaking of E! fashion police, Jay Alexander’s suit is eye-catching to put it mildly, but makes him look kind of like the Riddler.

4:53 Charlize’s dress looks like it’s feeling her up.

4:55 The tuxes mostly look alike to me, but I do like Downey’s big blue bowtie and light blue shades.

5:03 It cracks me up when people recite the whole title of Precious, which is all the time.

5:05 Man, everybody comes on to Clooney.

5:10 Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer: That’s a whole lot of class in one spot.

5:12 Kathy Ireland: So sweet, but to the point of being embarrassingly gushy.

5:15 Wow, I hadn’t noticed before, but SJP looks like she’s had a self-tanning accident.

5:22 Wow, Miley Cyrus’s slouch looks like she’s being crushed by an invisible gorilla.

5:23 I don’t care what anyone says. Jeff Bridges’s beard is awesome.

5:24 Kate Winslet looks stunning. Oh, and the dress is nice too.

5:25 “The most famous werewolf in motion picture history”? Oh please.

5:26 Meryl’s dress is kind of a bait-and-switch. At a glance looks like a pantsuit up top, but no. Nice enough, but kinda matronly.

5:30 I dunno if I’m even qualified to comment on the Oscars, considering I still haven’t seen the blue-Thundercats movie.

5:31 I love that they just showed a picture of Tuner & Hooch on the screen.

5:32 “Why does a prisoner drop the soap? Because no one wants to do it alone.” Oh, NPH. How do we love thee? Let me count the ways.

5:33 I’m not actually going to count the ways. But, you know, a lot.

5:38 Martin and Baldwin: hokey jokes, but just so damn charming.

5:39 “Gabourey and I have something in common too. In our first movies, we were both born a poor black child.” OK, that was awesome.

5:41 The thing about Meryl’s Hitler memorabilia was the funniest crack so far, though.

5:46 I have seen none of the supporting actor nominees’ films yet, but man, I want to. Well, maybe not The Lovely Bones.

5:50 Oh, Christoph Waltz looks so nervous! Sweet speech, though.

5:56 Diaz is stumbling like crazy, but they’re rolling with it. Should have used the Palin handprompter instead.

5:58 This thing interviewing the animated stars is also hokey but kind of adorable. Seems like a theme this year.

5:58 So, Up? Up? Up? Or…

5:59 …Or Up. Well, yeah.

6:01 Amanda Seyfried looks even more elegant standing next to Miley. Well played.

6:02 Yay, Anika Noni Rose! Root root root for the home team.

6:02 Oh, Paris 36. I did enjoy that. In a perfect world, it’d have a chance.

6:03 And Crazy Heart gets it. I’ll take that over the Newman schmaltz.

6:12 “And I’m not just saying it because she revived my career.” It’s funny because it’s true.

6:14 Original screenplay: I’d love it if Up got this.

6:16 But Hurt Locker– yeah, I’ll take it. Well, actually Mark Boal will.

6:17 Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick — Can’t quite place what they have in common. Oh yeah, my whole childhood.

6:18 Actually, having Ringwald and Broderick celebrate John Hughes is really touching. I’m a little choked up.

6:20 I can’t begin to express how much I adored Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful.

6:23 Anthony Michael Hall always freaks me out ever since he hulked up.

6:30 OMG I want to see Logorama immediately.

6:31 Not because it won, but man, I can see why.

6:33 Hmm, I sense my livetweeting would be better with beer.

6:35 Shouldn’t that be Music by Prudence Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire?

6:37 Wow, The New Tenants guy is soooo freaking nervous. Sad they muted the other guy, though. That always seems rude.

6:38 OK, someone had to dress up as a Na’vi, seeing as how Baron Cohen was given the boot.

6:39 But yeah, time to stop milking it, Stiller. It’s run dry.

6:41 Nice to see Star Trek get something, just on principle. And yeah, makeup sounds about right.

6:43 The wife, catching up with “the most famous werewolf in motion picture history”: That would be Teen Wolf.

6:45 As filler goes, all these clips from the 10 best-pic nominees are a lot less painful than the best-song nominees of past broadcasts.

6:48 I’ve only seen 3/5 of these, but I’m rooting for Up in the Air for adapted screenplay.

6:50 The Precious screenwriter is really, really choked up, but in a way that makes it look like he’s joking somehow.

6:54 Penelope looks like she has no idea who Bacall and Corman are.

6:56 Speaking of Penelope, not a chance anyone gets anything for Nine. Well, maybe a mixing award or something.

6:57 Loved Farmiga in Up in the Air. She’s not getting the award, but I’m just saying. Well done.

6:58 I’m actually mortified that they didn’t let Bacall and Corman speak. Come ON! Nobody puts Lauren in a corner.

7:o1 Surprising no one, Mo’Nique gets it. Haven’t seen the movie yet, but I love it when a crossover artist gets a moment like this.

7:07 Art direction: Sigourney’s so excited. Avatar wins something!

7:10 My wife has taken an instant dislike to Tom Ford. “This guy seems like a total tool.”

7:11 Didn’t see Young Victoria, but the costumer should get an award for her own outfit.

7:18 Are these the Twilight kids? I don’t even know.

7:18 Awww, she pronounces horror “whore.”

7: 19 Man, I love the montages.

7:21 I believe I’ve seen almost every one of these movies.

7:24 What is this “sound editing” of which you speak? Please explain, most trusted voice in America!

7:26 Hurt Locker gets sound editing. Well, Freeman did explain what it is with explosions. Say it with explosions, I always say.

7:27 And the Hurt Locker gets sound mixing as well! Touching speeches, too.

7:30 She: Hey, where’s BJ Novak? Me: Yeah, I don’t think he got invited.

7:35 The DP doesn’t get enough respect. I blame the initials, and the internet.

7:36 This is the “oh yeah, they made a Harry Potter movie this year, didn’t they?” award.

7:36 But yeah, Avatar for cinematography sounds about right.

7:38 Demi’s hair looks like she’s just been splashed by a passing bus.

7:38 Wait, no best-song performances, and we STILL have to listen to James Taylor? WTF is this shit?

7:41 Ah, the dead people montage. I always get a little choked up by that.

7:47 Why is A Serious Man break-dancing to the Hurt Locker music?

7:49 He’s doing the robot to the music from Up! I am giggling hysterically.

7:50 All I can hear in my head is Dave Chapelle’s voice muttering “The robot?”

7:51 The Avatar theme is “No Day Like Today” to an ersatz tribal beat?

7:52 Really, I’m happy for whatever award Up gets.

7:54 Strong contenders for visual effects, but up against Avatar? Yeah, not going to happen.

7:56 She: Whatever happened to JUSTINE Bateman? Me: She’s on Twitter!

8:01 Wait, didn’t Damon already present something?

8:02 Ohman, The Cove. That was a helluva movie. Still mad that Anvil: The Story of Anvil wasn’t nominated, tho.

8:05 Woohoo! I’m really happy about The Cove. Now about all that dolphin killing…

8:07 Come to think of it, Steve and Alec really haven’t had much screen time. I’m not too troubled about that.

8:10 Really, the only one I’d prefer to see get best picture over The Hurt Locker is Up, and that’s a pipe dream.

8:12 Ah, Dancing with the Who the Hell Are These People.

8:14 Hey, no Farrah AND no Bea Arthur in the farewell montage? You realize of course that means war.

8:18 The Argentines: So flummoxed by the countdown to get-lost music! Alas.

8:20 Man, Avatar looks like the most awesome videogame cut scene ever.

8:23 I can’t say I’m too displeased about the dark cloud hovering over James Cameron tonight.

8:25 I do like the insanely glamorous past costars giving testimonials to the best-actor nominees.

8:27 Wow, this is so sweet. I’m getting a little misty. The costar praise is a really, really good idea.

8:29 “His enormous talent” is one of those phrases that’s always going to be taken wrong about a hunky leading man.

8:33 Yay Jeff Bridges! Can’t help but be happy for the guy. I mean for the dude.

8:35 This is one rambling speech, but he’s just so damn warm you can’t help but indulge him.

8:36 He won for Iron Man or something, right?

8:40 I really like that Best Actress isn’t always before Best Actor anymore.

8:43 Helen Mirren is all kinds of awesome. No chance this year, but always worth gushing over.

8:45 Ohman, Gabourey’s reaction to the Oprah testamonial is making me cry.

8:49 I have to say, I never thought I’d see Bullock get an Oscar. Not a slam, I’m just saying. And right after she accepted a Razzie!

8:51 This is a GREAT speech from Bullock. Just fantastic. Touching, funny, and unusually good shout-outs to her peers.

8:52 And ends in tears with a knockout punch line. Well played, Ms. Bullock. Well played.

8:54 Calling it for Bigelow. Not that I’m in a tiny minority there.

8:55 Babs: “Well, the time has come. Kathryn Bigelow!”

8:57 In the inevitable reaction shot, Cameron looks happy for her. Well, good.

8:58 Wow, NO buildup to best-pic announcement. Aside from all night, that is. Mentioned and awarded, bang boom!

9:01 I’m really happy for Bigelow. Just watched that movie last night, and totally deserving.

9:03 And yeah, I get that it was running a half hour overtime, so it makes sense that they’d move it along. Less late than usual, tho.

9:05 OK, enough with Moon River, for Chrissake. Chim-Chiminee, though, that I’ll take. Theme from Arthur now? Arrrrgh!

9:07 And yeah, after all that hype about the unstoppable Avatar, it just won the effects awards that sci-fi flicks usually take.

9:13 Kind of eh as ceremonies go, but that’s nothing new. I have to say, tho, Twitter was made for the Oscars. Had to be good for something.

9:14 Oh, and the bets about how soon into the telecast we’d get a Twitter joke? Didn’t happen.

9:30 Still have no interest in seeing the movie Bullock won for, but best speech of the night.

That’ll do, blog.  That’ll do.